Wednesday, June 23, 2004

My Backyard Battlefield

I am ashamed to admit it.
Really, we aren't dirty people.
We take care of our stuff.
We clean the house (occasionally).

We have EARWIGS.
Lots of them.

We were out watering the newly planted trees (apple and pear) the other night when about 1.3 million earwigs came out the mulch.


I shrieked and ran in the house. I am ok with a lot of bugs (ok well not A LOT of any one bug...but you know..I like a lady bug or two...maybe ONE butterfly at a time), but I am seriously un-ok with earwigs. They are too disgusting. They deserve to die.

So we tried various "GREEN" methods of ridding ourselves of them to no avail. Mostly it just pissed them off and forced them to move into the sand box and bike trailer. We caught about 876 in a bucket of water, but really that was just the tip of the iceberg.

The evening I saw one perched a top my icy cold glass of Canada Dry ginger ale (YES! It was diet!) I FREAKED OUT! I literally JUMPED on my hubby (unfortunately he was sleeping at the time and I think I may have given him a coronary). He started freaking out arms where flailing...I thought he was trying to throw things at it. So I joined in and lobbed the remote across the couch, narrowly missing my drink. Apparently I was wrong and the flailing he was doing was just him trying to dislodge himself from underneath me. So I unwrapped myself from around his head and neck. (he gasped) And hubby killed the bug...with MY slipper. MINE! The one on my foot right now. Somehow he doesn't see how that was wrong. He just muttered something about me being a lunatic and reclined once again on the couch.

So last night, he brought out the big guns. BUG-B-GONE! (echo echo echo). Attached it to our hose and sprayed the living shit out of our backyard, window frames, gardens, then deck. Great! Kill em all! Then he got out of hand and started spraying the climber, the bikes (MINE AGAIN!), the bike trailer, the gate. At this point I think he as playing as he sprayed the edges of the sandbox (and hid bait under the ledge), the front flower gardens, the side gardens, the front step (earwigs have not been seen anywhere other than the back yard). It's all or nothing with that guy.
Anyway this morning I go to let the dogs out and low and behold, not only is my back deck covered in a hue of white, it is also littered with dead bodies!
Dead earwigs EVERYWHERE. It's truly disgusting although also satisfying in an icky sort of way.

Clearly I cannot take the little ones out in the back today, and as you can see from earlier posts the littlest one is NOT to be trusted in the front. I guess we will have to toddle to the park.
Blah...for there I will encounter Mother's of the weird variety.
The last time I was there, some woman asked me the time (I was NOT wearing a watch)and then she proceeded to tell me about how she is allergic to watches and her bio-rhythms make them stop ticking (huh?) and how she works nights as a baker for Tim Hortons but homes schools her kids all day (her kids are UNDER school doesn't that just make it PARENTING!). And how the little one at my feet asking if she can eat my salad does that all the time and it's really embarrassing, but if I could give her some she would fine. Also they lived across the street from the park? In the NEW homes...Their neighbour is a cop (might be a lesbian). They have a dog but no cats. They don't like the colour of their house, but it has to be the same colour as their semi-detached neighbour (lesbian cop) so it will stay that colour for a while.

YEAH all that in oh about 5 or 6 minutes. UGH!